Turnbull Commits to Plebiscite on Whether to Hold Same-Sex Marriage Plebiscite

Member for Wentworth and this month’s Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has today caved in to pressure from both sides of politics regarding the controversial $525 million same-sex marriage plebiscite. In reply to calls to both bring forward and scrap the plebiscite, Mr Turnbull has announced his intention to hold a plebiscite over the plebiscite, stating that it is every Australian’s right to have a say in the debate over whether to hold a debate.

Heading off critics, Mr Turnbull was quick to sooth any concerns over the rising costs of the vote, pointing out that $500 million was a small price to pay to conclusively prove that the last 24 galaxy polls haven’t just been random flukes. “This isn’t the kind of thing you can just decide based on opinion polls, or by letting elected MP’s vote on it,” said Mr Turnbull. “That would be completely against the spirit of representative democracy. And it’s not like $500 million dollars will be missed anyway. That kind of money wouldn’t even buy you an avocado these days.”

When it was pointed out that MP’s had already voted to consult their electorates on the exact same issue back in 2011, and that the results were universally ignored, the Treasurer Scott Morrison shot back, stating that those consultations were only a preliminary measure to work out how much people didn’t want same-sex marriage.

“Look, we’ve only been investigating this issue since 2004,” said the Treasurer, “so lets not rush into anything. I mean, God knows what could happen if we just went ahead and allowed people who love each other to register their relationships in a government database. It could be chaos, just look at what happened after New Zealand, Britain, Ireland, Canada and the United States all legalised same-sex marriage. Global temperatures went up by a whole degree! Do you think that’s just a co-incidence, or the result of some kind of magic invisible gas poisoning our atmosphere? Ha! Not likely mate.”

Senator Cory Bernardi also came out in support of Mr Morrison’s view, stating that holding a multi-million dollar vote on every issue he doesn’t like is the only sensible way of deciding national policy. “Now is not the time for action.” said Mr Bernardi on his wildly popular LiveJournal blog. “Now is the time for delay tactics and a divisive national debate, possibly or possibly not involving the repeal of hate speech laws and the bullying of school children.”

Members of the opposition hit back against the plebiscite plebiscite idea, with Labor deputy Tanya Plibersec stating that she had received thousands of letters on the issue, though a large number were just the result of mailing confusion surrounding her name.

“This vote on a vote is just another stalling tactic from the Liberal Party.” said Ms Plibersec outside the royal commission into the Federal Opposition this afternoon. “If they had any decency at all they would allow a free vote on this issue, just like Labor didn’t when we were in power. Because unlike the Liberal Party, Labor is not stalling on this issue, and that’s why as a party we committed at our last national conference to vote for equal marriage, on or after the year 2019.”

Should the plebiscite plebiscite turn out to be a success, many MP’s have suggested that the idea could be expanded to address further issues facing the country. One option floated by treasurer Scott Morrison included a poll on whether to increase the national GST to 15%, with voters to be asked to vote either yes or definitely in favour of the change. Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott also voiced his support for the idea of more plebiscites, pointing out that it would be a great opportunity for the nation to decide whether they really definitely one-hundred-percent want Malcolm Turnbull as Prime Minister, before stating that he is “of course completely one-hundred percent behind the leadership of the smug backstabbing bastard”.

The press secretary of the Australian Christian Lobby was contacted for comment in relation to this article, but was not available at the time of publication due to a prior commitment in an airport bathroom.


Photo: Alex Ellinghausen / WAToday