Tony Abbott has reminded everyone still listening to him in a public address today that he does not enjoy being criticised, regardless of how many human rights he violates.
“People are always telling me off,” shouted Tony, throwing away his rattle, “and as someone who is richer and more successful than all these peasants I find this utterly unacceptable.”
“Lately I’ve been criticised by the UN, human rights activists, the UN, every news outlet out there that isn’t owned by Rupert Murdoch, every news outlet that is owned by Rupert Murdoch, the UN, Gillian Triggs, my not-unatractive daughters, the inner party, the outer party, the Australian public and now most recently the UN… again. God I’m sick of those UN guys, I’m almost tempted to stop torturing children just to get away from their incessant nagging.”
But representatives from the United Nations say they will stop at nothing to see the torture of children brought to an end, having already fired off another email to Mr Abbott this morning, decrying his position on this human rights issue. “Seriously, you are violating a lot of laws. Stop torturing people.” said the strongly worded message written in size 30 font, “We’d really appreciate it if you didn’t do that, and if you don’t stop we won’t be your friend anymore.”
The almost instantaneous reply was simply more of the same diplomatic weaselwords that the UN has come to expect from Mr Abbott, with the Prime Minister replying “I’d appreciated it if you sucked my dick and told me I’m pretty” in a message that Mr Abbott also accidentally forwarded to all his colleagues.
“Oh well, data retention laws would’ve made that available to them anyway and it’s not like George Brandis hasn’t had weirder stuff sent to his email recently,” Tony said brushing off the gaffe. “Plus, maybe someone finally will tell me I’m pretty.” he said softly, as a single tear fell from his cheek.
The embattled Prime Minister has been weathering constant criticism from all sides recently, with many unpopular decisions disenfranchising even the most rusted-on Liberal supporters. In particular polls have shown the public is not in favour of Mr Abbott’s austerity measures directed at the nations poor, his active denial of global warming, and his habit of going round to people’s houses and pushing their children over before running away and blaming Labor.
“We should be mercilessly criticising Labor, not me.” says the Prime Minister when questioned on his popularity, “It’s not fair if you do it to me. I’m just doing silly little minor things like torturing people and abusing human rights, while they’re out there every night and day plotting to bring back the carbon tax. Its obvious who the real monsters are.”
“Attacking Labor is what’s best for our country – not trying to fix any of the problems with what I’m doing. I’m just not going to do that. You can’t make me. I considered being a better person and decided it was too hard.”
“All I want to do is get away with literally anything I want and not be told off for it. I don’t understand why you’re all not allowing me to do this.”