Tony Abbott Moves Spill Vote Forward to 5pm Yesterday

Prime Minister Tony Abbott has declared a unanimous victory against would-be challengers following an announcement this morning that he decided to move the leadership vote to 5pm yesterday. In what Abbott is describing as a “captains call”, the outgoing and incumbent PM explained that it had been in everyone’s interests that the spill be over and done with as soon as possible, leading Abbott to call an extra-ordinary party meeting last night as he was preparing for dinner.

The move is being seen by political commentators as an attempt by Abbott to stifle the chances of rival Malcolm Turnbull, by exploiting Turbull’s inability to travel backwards in time.

“To, ahh, be honest, I think Malcolm’s no show at last night’s meeting shows just how unfit, just how unfit, for the top job, he really is.” said Tony at this morning’s press briefing, over the course of twelve minutes. “In fact, I, ahh, was the only member of the party, ahh, on the ball enough to even be there at the meeting after I sent the email out at, ahh, 4:45pm, and that alone, that alone, really demonstrates that I’m the only person, the, ahh, only person, truly suited to this job.”

When asked about details of the secret ballot the Prime Minister remained tight lipped, explaining that he was unable to comment on what went on behind closed living room doors. “What I will say though is that due to this unfortunate lack of turnout by colleagues I had to draft in my wife and two daughters just to make quorum for the meeting,” explained Tony. “And I’m pleased to say that in the end I won by a whopping 25% majority, so I’m clearly still very popular.”

Despite Abbott’s in-party victory, public approval ratings for the embattled Prime Minister remain at an all time low, with experts predicting a wipeout at the ballot box when election time comes around. However, Abbott has already sought to address concerns within the party of an impending electoral defeat, stating that he is certain in his ability to lead the party to a victory, through his three point plan of greater communication, consulting with colleagues more and moving the election to 5pm yesterday.