Tony Abbott Declares War On Ice

Tony Abbott has today vowed to set up the “National Ice Taskforce” to tackle the ever-worsening ice epidemic crippling Australia. “Ice is everyhere in today’s society – anyone can buy it, go to just about any local servo these days and you’ll find someone willing sell it right there off the street.” said a concerned Mr Abbott.

The Bureau of Statistics have previously reported a shocking 97% of Australians have come into contact with ice, and a further 25% report having suffered ice-related injuries, with clusters particularly affecting remote regions like Thredbo, Perisher and Falls Creek. Reports of drinks in pubs and clubs being spiked with ice have remained concerning high over the last twenty years, and testing has confirmed multiple cases of food in major supermarkets being contaminated with industrial grade ice.

The recent deadly craze of the Ice Bucket Challenge has added to the government’s concerns, with many young people now starting to view ice as “cool”. Mr Abbott however has no patience for such views. “No more will people have to live in fear of ice. Don’t you just hate it when it gets stuck to your fingers taking it out of the freezer? Or how lifting one of those 5 kilo bags from the garage does your back in? And what about that young healthy Everest climber who overdosed on ice the other week and died! This epidemic has to stop now.”

Greg Hunt, Minister for the Environment, is equally concerned that ice has to be dealt with on a global scale. “Just look at all that ice in the Arctic/Antarctic or high in the glacial valleys – it’s a disaster waiting to happen! Australia is fully committed to increasing carbon emissions and raising global temperatures to thaw this threat as quickly as possible.”