In an effort to put the mounting tension of the LNP Leadership behind him, Tony Abbott has turned to Buddhism as a last resort to finding absolute power.
Following his opening of the Nan Tien Buddhist Institute in Wollongong, Abbott has declared his love for all things Buddhist, from the message of peace it promotes to the world, to the fact that they are not allowed to call leadership spills.
“Obviously, I am a big fan of Buddha”, said Abbott in a press conference held inside a giant Buddha statue. “I admire his teachings of love. Love of your fellow human, and in particular, love of your current leader”.
“In my talks with several of the Buddhist monks present here, all of whom are wise and sage and show no signs of political ambition whatsoever, I have become aware of the existence of the Dalai Lama”.
“I am huge fan of how no one questions his authority, and caters to his every whim. I think the world could benefit from more people like the Dalai Lama. Like me, for example. Considering his age and lack of protein consumption, I am hopeful that that position will soon become available”.
“I understand the process of becoming the Dalai Lama involves picking the three things which the Dalai Lama played with in his childhood, or something like that. Which is great. If there’s one thing I understand, it’s material possessions”.
Abbott went on to explain why his credentials make him the best person to next lead the Buddhist religion.
“I would consider myself a spiritual person. I once saw a coal mine which filled me with an awe-inspiring feeling, primarily because I was picturing the amount of money I would be making. Also, I, too, have a terrible relationship with China”.