carney

Todd Carney in Talks to Become Next Host of Man vs. Wild

Disgraced former Cronulla Sharks footballer Todd Carney is being offered a chance at redemption, after he was approached by the Discovery Channel about becoming the next host of the hugely popular survival show, Man vs. Wild.

Carney’s love of urine consumption, while surprisingly detrimental to his Rugby League career, seems to make him the ideal candidate for taking over the Discovery Channel show from previous host, Bear Grylls.

In a statement made to the Associated Press, Discovery Channel CEO David Zaslav lauded the qualities which Carney can bring to the show.

“Ever since seeing the photos of Todd Carney urinating into his own mouth, we knew we were witnessing a special talent. Obviously, Bear Grylls has done wonders for the show, but even he could only ever urinate into a cup before drinking it. We’re hoping that by bringing in a man of Carney’s unique expertise, we can not only save millions of dollars on cups, but do so while retaining the essence of ‘Man vs. Wild’ – a show without drinking your own urine is hardly a survival show, is it?”

While being effusive in his praise for Carney’s urinal accuracy, Zaslav was quick to point out that it wasn’t the only reason Carney was being approached for the job.

“Obviously, while the urine thing is the main reason, we feel that it speaks to the more general qualities which Todd can bring to the show. In many ways, the foundation of Man vs. Wild is one of making completely unnecessary decisions and putting your own health, safety, and security at risk for a cheap half-hour of entertainment, and we feel that Todd Carney’s repeated behavior shows that he understands that very well. We sincerely hope that Todd can bring the same level of disregard for himself that he displayed in his NRL career, to the show”.

Carney, himself, was unavailable for comment, largely due to his mouth being full of piss.

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