Secret Service Admit Fence Jumper Never Caught, Now Running Country
Digital recreation of what the alleged intruder may look like

Sources are reporting today that leaked information from within the White House strongly indicates that the Secret Service has not apprehended the fence jumping intruder, as was previously reported. Unconfirmed reports are indicating that the jumper may have in fact taken up residence in the oval office, and is believed to have issued a number of executive orders since then, including a Presidential Pardon to himself.

When questioned as to how this situation could have gone unnoticed for so long, a representative of the White House staff said that the Secret Service had in fact been on strike since late August, over union disagreements relating to lazer watch entitlements.

The ability for an unhinged and dangerous person to waltz into the White House in broad daylight and start running the country unchecked is seen as a large embarrassment for America’s security services as a whole, who haven’t been faced with a similar threat since the Bush administration left office in 2009.

President Obama was unavailable for comment at the time of publication due to an engagement with a locksmith.