Scott Morrison Proud That All Of Australia’s Torturing Is Done Out In The Open

Following the recent stunning revelations of the declassified US Senate Report on CIA Torture programs, Scott Morrison has spoken of his “pride” in how Australia does all of its torturing out in the open.

“What’s been happening in America is despicable”, said the Immigration Minister, at a press conference held within the wreckage of a small cargo ship. “To lie to the people about how much torture you are using is, frankly, unacceptable. This is why I am so proud to be an Australian. When we treat refugees like livestock, keep them in inhumane living conditions, and actively send them to back to the places where they face persecution and conflict, we tell everyone about it”.

Mr. Morrison, who has previously faced tough criticism over the fact that he’s an Immigration Minister who hates immigrants, staunchly defended his track record on torture, and was again quick to point out that not enough credit has been given to him and the current administration for being up-front about their crimes against humanity.

“Sure, we all know that ‘torture is bad’”, said Morrison, while rolling his eyes and making air-quotes with his fingers. “But you know what’s worse? Not telling people about the torture. In many ways, isn’t that the real crime?”

“No one ever gives me any credit for being honest about how I am debasing other human beings. It’s not fair. I spend a lot of time visiting war-torn countries and telling their people about our great torture programs. I even have a section on my website where you can submit your own torture techniques. Yet no one every thanks me.”

“Honestly, the amount of persecution I’ve seen from the liberal media here in Australia is staggering. It’s almost worth just leaving my family and home and trying to start a new life elsewhere. I hear America is lovely this time of year”