Citing a massive boost in the number of supermodels at 2014’s Paris Fashion Week, combined with relative data about the increasing frequency of Edgerton brothers in Hollywood films, scientists from the UN’s peak body on peak bodies have concluded that last year was officially the sexiest year on record.
“We’ve suspected this for some time now,” says Playboy article analyst Stan Williams, “but until we finally collated all the data we just couldn’t say for certain. We knew that the globe has appeared to have been getting hotter since the release of Photoshop in 1992, and ever since Emma Watson and the Sprouse twins grew up we’ve seen that the signs of a potential global increase in hotness has long been on the cards. What we hadn’t accounted for though was that our constant release of carbon into the atmosphere would create a smoky low-light haze across densely populated areas, a factor often correlated with a increase in people’s desirability.”
Despite ample evidence towards the world getting sexier, as well as relative scientific consensus on the matter, there are still small but powerful groups that insist that global hottening is a made up phenomenon. Famed skeptic and former snake oil tycoon Lord Monckton, considered by many as the de-facto leader of the anti-hotness camp, has already responded to the latest announcement by the UN calling it “codswallop”, pointing to himself as a clear indicator that the world definitely isn’t getting hotter.
Scientists predict that if drastic reductions in global hotness aren’t made within the next five years, the next generation may face unprecedented challenges, including a dramatic increase in global thirst.
“Every single person can make a difference,” says UN spokesperson Ulma Newton. “Whether it be simply taking the car to the shops instead of walking, eating two to three times more meat products per week, or even utilizing multiple flat-screen devices throughout the day, every little bit you do personally to increase the size of your footprint can mean a big difference to stopping global hotness once and for all.”