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RESULTS ARE IN: 100% of Sydney Residents Choose Sydney Trains Over Competition

A surprising new study of Sydney residents released this week has found the highest levels of satisfaction with the train network in 50 years, a boost largely put down to the recent emergence of the new mystery train operator “Sydney Trains”.

The popularity boost of a whopping 1% approval over competitor CityRail has been suggested to be a direct result of the new company’s inability to rhyme with words that mirror its poor performance, a problem that had consistently plagued former rail service provider known popularly as “shityRail”.

Customers were also quick to laud the introduction of Sydney Trains’ brand new fleet of carriages, that although on first glance look exactly like the old trains run by CityRail, are subtly distinguished by their multi-million dollar laminate logos where the detested CityRail logo would normally have appeared. “It feels like I’m in some kind of futuristic self-driving transport” reported excited traveler Jane Break, “Notice how the floor is sticky to counteract gravity loss, and look over there, it’s a space hobo!”

The success of the brand new rail provider is no surprise to most Sydney residents, with a string of successful PR moves already pulled off by Sydney Trains, such as the pledge that the automated Oyster card will be delivered by 2050, a whole ten years before CityRail’s predictions, and only 40 years after the technology is wholly superseded.

The application of a slightly different font on rail signage across the city by the new operator was also praised as a godsend by the three customers who noticed the change, with one reporting that the “incorrectly installed signage leading me to the wrong trains and platforms is a small price to pay for fonts with a more square letter C”. However, this was quickly negated by a nearby Sydney Transit and Motorways Rail-Subsection Service Assistant Customer Attendant for the Network Formerly Known as CityRail, or ‘Geoff’, who pointed out that the small cost was “actually somewhere in the order of millions”.

 

Editors note: Readers should be aware that since the time of publication yesterday night Sydney Trains has been amalgamated and rebranded three times and is now known by the title “Fixed Track Transport for the Capital City of NSW that starts with an S”. $12,000,000 funding has been allocated to ensure signage is brought up to date, to be sourced largely through the sale of the tracks for scrap. The government has promised no significant changes in train frequency will occur as a result of the lack of tracks.

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