It was a tense night of decision making leading right up till sunrise that resulted in today’s announcement by Olympic officials that the 2022 Winter Olympic Games will be hosted by surprise winter games nominee, the desert nation of Qatar. A country famed for it’s snowy white mountains, and ability to pay journalists to say whatever they want, Qatar boasts many features than won over officials including a nationwide love of sports and a culture of bribery.
Despite concerns being raised by a small number of naysayers about the lack of ice and winters in the largely arid nation, officials from the IOC say that decisions for host cities were about more than just snow. “If we were selecting a host city by just picking the place in the world with the most ice, we’d be just handing the title to Dubbo every year. That place has an epidemic of the stuff from what we’ve heard.”
Selectors have claimed that in the end it was Qatar’s commitment to recapturing the spirit of the ancient Olympic games that put them ahead of its rivals. “We were really impressed with Qatar’s innovative idea of exploiting the Greek debt crisis by purchasing all their historic Olympic sites and relocating them to Qatar. Also the fact that they’ve committed to carry out the re-location using one hundred percent slave labor just like the ancient Greeks, that was really the icing on the cake.”
The decision by the IOC will be another feather in the cap of the tiny Arab state, with Qatar amassing an enviable portfolio of international events in recent months. In the previous year alone the country has been selected to host the 2020 G20 summit, the 2022 FIFA world cup, the 2018 Rugby world cup, the 2026 Summer Olympic Games, the 2026 FIFA World Cup, Eurovision 2018, the 2030 FIFA World Cup and the 2017 Miss America pageant. The country is also rumored to be placing a bid to host the Late Show in 2017 should Colbert mysteriously disappear.
When asked by the BBC what the secret to their outstanding bidding success was, officials for the Qatari governments laughed and said there were no secrets to their methods, “just a lot of hard word and determination by all our bidding teams.” The reporter will face trial next month.