Putin Not Dead Reports Man Covered in Suspicious Amount of Blood

Russian Deputy Leader and Former Presidental Sockpuppet Dimitri Medvedev has fronted the press late today to quell increasing speculation that Vladmir Putin had been killed in a power struggle for the Presidency. Apologising for his bloodsoaked clothes and missing shoe, Medvedev assured the press that any rumours alluding to Putin’s demise were “pre-emptive” at best, explaining that Putin was “simply taking time out to recover from a cold, and also visiting relatives, while traveling overseas, and out of mobile reception. Also he’s busy in meetings right now and can’t talk.”