Police Deny Manhandling Gay Man: “We don’t go for that kind of thing”

Sydney Police were swift to rebut claims this week that officers were involved in manhandling a gay teenager at this year’s Mardi Gras parade, insisting “our highly trained officers know the boundaires of appropriate conduct, and besides we all have wives. Hot, sexy wives.” before opening a copy of Ralph magazine and complaining loudly that the letters section is a waste of space.

When contacted regarding the alleged incident, the implicated officer insisted it was quite clear that a uniformed officer such as himself would never have laid hands on the young man, as he thinks highly of the profession and is “not gay or whatever.”

Confronted with footage confirming the attack during a later press conference, the assisting police commissioner explained “sure, some of our officers might have been involved in some kind of an incident, but we here at the police force strive to put tolerance above all other matters. If one of our officers happens to get his jollies by beating up defenseless teenagers, then far be it from us to judge him on that.”

When questioned as to whether there would be any consequences as a result of the incident, the commissioner responded “Obviously this is a very traumatic incident, and as a result the officer involved has been placed on leave, until such a time that he feels it is safe to walk the streets again without risk of being attacked by the media.”

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