Newspaper Readers Struggling to Cope With Ongoing War in Middle East

It was with heavy hearts that men and women across the Northern Seaboard lifted their newspapers this morning, in what was expected to be just another day in what has been now years of being mildly concerned about international conflict over breakfast. There were no tears shed as news of another bomb blast in Lebanon reached the people of Upper Cheslington, these days it takes a lot to phase these war weary readers.

“Some days I don’t even feel like I can go on reading,” sighed a weary mother of two Anne Woodlow, as she stared distantly into her mocca-latte. “It’s just tragedy after tragedy, from war, to terrorism, to whatever unspeakable felony breakfast radio has committed this week”. Anne is just one of many victims of years of systematic and unending depressing news, and is one of the few left who are willing to speak up about the war in Syria over the womens-group’s brunch at the local golf club.

Anne’s husband Rich says he’s most worried about the effect that the constant reporting of world events is having on his kids. “When people think of these wars overseas, they never even stop to think about the effect it’s having on children’s ability to focus on their clarinet lessons” he sighs, gripping his wife’s hand as he watches their young children play on their AdventureLand Playset Learning Centerâ„¢. His voice cracks as he tries to put words to his anguish, his throat still hoarse from his choir group the night before. “I know many of my friends and family just couldn’t take the unending torrent of this news anymore, I even know a few people that have sought refuge in the pages of the Daily Telegraph. That’s how desperate people are becoming.”

But analysts say there is little hope for reprieve for the Woodlow family and their kind. “The sad truth of the matter is that people around the world just don’t care” says Tim Costello, CEO of World Vision, and head of the newly appointed government taskforce for ending Really Depressing News, or RDN. “Until we can get it into people’s heads just how badly their constant conflict is affecting the residents of the first world, we’re never going to see any real change.”

Doctors urge those afflicted by knowing about foreign conflict to call the Idol voting lines on 131-548.