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BREAKING EXCLUSIVE NEWS: Tony Abbott has called for a leadership spill for the Liberal Party. According to Abbott, Turnbull has “achieved nothing” since taking over as leader of the party.
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Malcolm Turnbull is the new Prime Minister. Abbott to be relegated to ‘Minister for Onion-Based Agriculture’. He will still be Minister for Women.
Our sources have indicated Turnbull has given an impassioned speech to the party floor. Reportedly, he used Al Pacino’s speech from ‘Any Given Sunday’. We present it here, in it’s entirety.
EXCLUSIVE: Although unable to take photos, our on-the-ground reporters have described the scenes to our resident artists, to recreate for you now
EXCLUSIVE: Reports are coming in of Abbott proposing a short onion-break. Looks to have been denied. Our sources tell us he is crying now. This onion sub-plot takes a new turn
As per time honoured tradition, the voting will take place through a system of throwing rocks at poor people. The team that gets the most points wins the spill
WE ARE BEING INFORMED THAT THE VOTING HAS BEGUN. A white dove was released from outside the door of the party meeting room. Unfortunately, it panicked and flew into a window. We will bring you more on the bird’s health as this story progresses
Reports have just emerged of Julie Bishop arriving to the party meeting room. Bishop is most famous, of course, for her work in not being considered for this leadership spill at all. Experts are baffled at how she may vote tonight
If Tony Abbott were to lose tonight, he will become only the first EVER sitting Prime Minister to be ousted from office despite eating TWO raw onions. History can well and truly be made tonight
The news from Canberra is that the vote is yet to take place. Several MPs are yet to arrive at the party room, while Bill Shorten got there nice and early to get the good seat right next to Abbott. More to follow.
Welcome to The Sauce’s EXCLUSIVE LIVE COVERAGE of the Liberal Party leadership spill. We’ll be with you all night as the nation waits with bated breath to see which old, white, corporatation-loving, immigrant-hating right-wing politician gets to be our leader for the next year or so (roughly). Sit back, relax, put on some nice Lionel Ritchie music or maybe a Katherine Heigel movie in the background, and let us bring you the latest from Canberra.