Justin Bieber to Retire From Music, Become Fulltime Douchebag

Beliebers and unbeliebers alike were shocked today at news of Justin Bieber’s sudden decision to retire from life as a musician at the age of only nineteen. One surprised bystander in Times Square summed up the public sentiment when overheard uttering “Wait… he thinks he’s a musician?”

Twitter went into meltdown following the announcement, with millions of teenage girls taking to the social network to express their feelings about Bieber’s latest move, just as they did yesterday when he took out the trash, and the day before when he went to the shops to get milk, and the day before that, when he poured a bucket of his own urine off a balcony onto ecstatic fans below.

Since announcing his intention to retire on Twitter this morning, Bieber has gone on to clarify his feelings in a press release, stating “I just want to have more time in my life for the important things, like running down photographers and sleeping with high class brazilian prostitutes.”

Former child star Aaron Carter offered a detailed and insightful commentary on Bieber’s probable future and the realities of life after a childhood in the spotlight, but nobody paid any attention.