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John Kerry Cautiously Calls For All Out Nuclear War in South China Sea

US foreign secretary John Kerry has this weekend called for all out warfare in the South China sea, as a means of resolving the rising tension between emerging super-power China and it’s neighboring states.

Stating that he wished to ensure the short term interests of profit over long term regional stability, Kerry called for a “rapid and haphazard” escalation of the brinkmanship that had engulfed the region as China, Japan, the Philipines and Indonesia all reinstated their claims to 12 square inches of oil rich land.

“Peace and prosperity are a small price to pay to see this troubling dispute resolved once and for all,” said Kerry from the confines of the White House bunker. “If somebody could just let us know once all the nuking’s stopped then we can all get back to business as usual, just as soon as the nuclear fallout dies down.”

However some analysts have called Kerry’s approach shortsighted, with the radiation from the nuclear holocaust most likely to destroy all life on earth. Kerry was swift to rebut such claims, pointing out that America was just far away enough that its citizens would only suffer secondary radiation poisoning, with the worst effects of the long term exposure to radiation likely to develop 30 to 50 years later, long after he is out of office and in need of their votes.

When asked why the USA had opted for such a erratic choice of diplomatic responses to the problem, Kerry explained that he was “bored”, and that he “wanted to mix things up a bit from calling for peace and dialogue day in, day out.”

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2 Responses

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  1. Get a day job
    May 27, 2015 - 04:40 PM

    Time for you to get a day job, mate, so you can stick to it. Otherwise Kerry will send a haphazard bomb up your smith – and that, I’m sure, will kinda hurt. A lot. You won’t smith your pants though ’cause your pants and you will be kinda vaporized. Oops.

    • the Sauce
      May 31, 2015 - 06:52 PM

      I think if there’s one thing we’ve all learned from hack news satire, it’s that journalists don’t wear pants.


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