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Jehovahs Witness Dies After Refusing Unnatural Bungee Cord

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Local Jehovahs Witness Anne Colson is being remembered today as a vibrant and caring member of the community, following her tragic and untimely death at age 34. According to family Anne passed away late yesterday while on holiday in New Zealand, after she opted to turn down a life saving Bungee Cord on the grounds of her devout faith.

Friends who were by Anne’s side in her final minutes say that they were proud that she stood firm in her beliefs to the last, despite repeated attempts by instructors to influence her decision. It is understood Anne spent her final minutes calmly explaining to others that despite the risk she was taking, she knew that bungee cords were not part of God’s plan, before slipping peacefully into the abyss. Doctors at the scene put her time of death at 3:16, resulting from complications brought about by a terminal lack of bungee.

Anne’s death has already stirred much debate in the New Zealand press, with many arguing the country’s religious exemptions allowing certain faiths to turn down life saving bungee cords should be abolished. Others argue such beliefs constitute the core foundations of their faith, and being forced to use such devices against their will would amount to religious persecution by the state.

Much of the debate has centered around the children of parents who hold such beliefs, and whether it is right that these parents should be allowed to impose their unorthodox interpretation of the bible on children before they jump off bridges and other high structures. Many have pointed out that it is unfair to require the child to turn down such life saving devices before they are truly able to comprehend the choices they are making, while others have rebutted that children could be suffering a much worse fate for the rest of eternity should they choose to accept a sacrilegious, un-natural bungee cord.

Local Church groups from the Wilhawkey area have spoken out in defence of Anne’s choice, stating that faith should always come before cold hard science in matters of conscience. “While we don’t all share the same beliefs in this country, I think it’s important and essential in our society to respect the beliefs of others. Who is anyone to say that God wouldn’t be angered by a man playing God by traveling to earth and then returning to the heavens in the way the the bible says only the Messiah can? I think really if God had wanted us to jump off bridges he would have given us wings like birds, or perhaps some kind of prayer powered jet-pack.”

A service will be held remembering Anne at the Jehovas hall this Sunday. Guests are requested in lieu of flowers to make a donation to the Red Cross Blood Bank, a charity Anne volunteered tirelessly at in life.

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