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Homophobic Drug Dealer Really Struggling With Mardi Gras

Part-time narcotics dealer and full-time homophobe Dazza “Datsun” Wilson is widely considered one of Sydney’s Inner West’s hardest working pinger-pushers. When he’s not regularly touring the city’s pharmacists to stock up on Codral, Dazza, or Daz as his mates call him, can generally be found in one of the city’s many back alleys, putting his Cert III in small-business to good use by dealing methamphetamines to teenagers. Since the introduction of alcohol restrictions by the O’Farrell Government in 2014, Dazza says his trade of illicit mind-altering substances has gone from strength to strength, but there is still one night of the year that threatens to put him out of business for good. Dazza, like many of those who cook meth in their backyard tool shed, is a devout Catholic, and as such he is ethically and morally opposed to supplying illicit drugs to Mardi Gras participants.

This can be a problem for dealers like Dazza, who say they’re just looking to make an honest living but are forced by the government to make a decision between their religious beliefs and their bottom lines during events like this. “For me it’s not just about religion,” says Dazza through his remaining teeth, “Yeah, nah, I was against the whole gay thing ages before I realized you could get free goon at church. Actually could you leave out that last bit?”

For many Sydney-based dealers Mardi Gras is seen as the biggest business opportunity of the year, with thousands of revellers descending on the city streets to witness other people descending on the city streets, usually while it rains. The necessity of uppers on a gargantuan scale during Mardi Gras is usually taken for granted. But Dazza says the lure of gangbuster trade is not enough to make him sell out his heartfelt beliefs. “Look mate,” he says through the letter slot of his front door, “I don’t know who fucking gave you my address and I don’t know what you’re fucking talking about. I don’t deal nothing, alright, now tell the cops to leave.”

But despite Dazza’s pleas, the cops didn’t leave, and likewise the government has committed to continue their yearly onslaught on ethically-committed small businesses, even pledging to re-route the parade through Newtown, one of Dazza’s prime trading grounds. It seems that once again the Liberal government has chosen to pander to the interests of oppressed minorities while giving businesses the short end of the stick. It’s a story all too common in these modern times, and one that’s potentially going to spell the end for many hard working dealers like Dazza, who is now considering prostituting his story to another season of Underbelly just to make ends meet.

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