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Donald Trump Surges in Polls After Pushing Pregnant Woman Down Flight of Stairs

Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump has rocketed into first place in the race to become President according to today’s polling, on the back of leaked footage showing Mr Trump pushing an unsuspecting pregnant woman down a flight of stairs. Trump supporters nationwide have responded to his latest move with adoration, saying they are glad that somebody is finally standing up to the “lazy arrogant pregnant women of this country who think they should be paid a full wage while not working just because they couldn’t keep their legs together for ten minutes.”

Supporters of Mr Trump say that while they normally wouldn’t have backed a leader who was openly abusive to women, the fact that Mr Trump clearly didn’t have an ulterior motive for pushing a woman down a flight of stairs was a much needed breath of fresh air in American politics.

“That’s just the kind of leader Trump is,” says avid Trump supporter and cat collector Chastity Tyler-Moore. “He’s not the establishment type, he hasn’t got minders constantly making sure he doesn’t push pregnant women down stairs. He’s the kind of guy who just wakes up one morning and decides he’s going to ban all Mexicans or trip up a child on crutches and just does it, you know? That’s what I love about him. He’s just a regular down to earth celebrity millionaire like you or me.”

Asked what he though of the latest surge polling, Trump’s campaign manager said that Mr Trump was “elated” by the news and has “many friends, rich friends who know a lot of things about China, believe you me.”

Political analysts have also praised Trump’s tact at shoe-horning Hillary Clinton on the divisive and contentious subject of defenestrating pregnant women. “What a lot of people don’t realise is that this wasn’t some crazy off-the-cuff attack on a vulnerable expectant mother.” says New York Times analyst James Shwartzwelder. “This is actually a very smart play, calculated to get the pro-abstinence lobby on his side. It has to be. Because otherwise it would mean that Donald Trump is just doing any crazy thing that pops into his tang addled head and people are going to elect him as President for it, and I really don’t think that’s a world I could live in. No, he must be secretly smart.”

Meanwhile the Clinton campaign is still in damage control over last week’s appearance at a gay pride parade, with gay rights proponents lashing out at Mrs Clinton over her former vaguely anti-gay stance, and opponents of gay rights condemning her for her current vaguely pro-gay stance. This is the second mis-step for Mrs Clinton in as many weeks, with her popularity sliding among middle class voters after it was revealed that she turned down a $20,000 donation from the NRA, a move that has put her at odds with the sizable “planning an imminent mass shooting” voting demographic who, to be fair, were probably going to vote Trump anyway.

The Republican Party itself was also in damage control today, with party leaders still gripped in internal warfare over the unforeseen rise of the Trump campaign. A rally held late yesterday in Oklahoma featured many of the party’s ruling elite condemning Mr Trump, with guests including party heavyweights George Bush Snr, the Koch brothers, and Clint Eastwood’s empty chair. Bush Snr said the race was not over yet, claiming that it was “still possible to roll Mr Trump at the National Convention in July”. This idea was extremely well received by everyone in attendance and elicited cheers and whoops from all three members of the audience.

Mr Trump himself was unavailable to comment for this piece due to being engaged in bulldozing a retirement village at the time of publication.

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  1. Thomas Tyler
    Jul 01, 2016 - 10:18 PM

    Well, I am most perturbed at your article. There was no caution, no warning that I would LMAO. It fell off, it’s gone, it’s around somewhere. I hope to find it soon.

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