British Prime Minister David Cameron has introduced legislation to the House of Commons today, aimed at criminalizing padlocks, deadbolts, blinds, curtains and those things with the cups and the piece of string. Cameron has described the legislation as a logical extension of his proposal to ban all encryption, with both addressing terrorists’ ability to subvert government surveillance by not talking publicly and openly about their plans.
During the bill’s first reading, Cameron asked the Commons, “Do we want to allow safe places for terrorists to discuss terrorist activities?” before moving slightly to the left and answering with a lower voice, “No, we need to remove all the tools which terrorists use to keep their planning secret,” and applauding loudly for the next five minutes.
When asked whether a lack of curtains will reduce the level of privacy citizens have in their own homes, Cameron laughed, quipping “I don’t think any innocent citizen would be asking such an incriminating question. If you’ve done nothing wrong, you should have nothing to hide!”
Opponents have raised concerns that the new legislation will leave households, police stations and banks vulnerable to robbery. Cameron however claims that such vulnerabilities are necessary, as the scourge of terrorism needs to be stopped at all costs. “For too long” said Cameron, “we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone*. And on that note I now declare this Magna Carta exhibit open to all!”
ISIS has expressed outrage at the proposals, stating that it is their job to strip the public of freedoms, not the government’s. “If these laws come into force, we’ll have to completely change how we operate” says managing head of UK operations John Smith. “ISIS wouldn’t ever consider breaking those laws, since contravening UK internet regulations would be utterly unconscionable. Looks like the government’s really got us beat this time. Now on an completely unrelated note, have any of you seen the latest episode of Game of Thrones?”