Pyne Takes Own Mother Hostage, Demands Deregulation Be Passed

Proving he will literally stop at nothing to get fee deregulation through the Senate, an increasingly desperate education minister Christopher Pyne has taken his own mother hostage in Parliament House tonight. “The Senate may have called my bluff on the taking-scientists’-jobs thing,” said Minister Pyne, rocking backwards and forwards, “but this time I’m serious. Either the Senate passes the fee deregulation bill or I’m going to do something crazy!”

With wide eyes and a strange sort of twitch, the minister was seen whispering to himself “it’s good for students, it’s good for universities, it’s good for students, it’s good for universities, it’s good for students, it’s good for universities” as he came out to front the media about the current hostage situation this afternoon.

“I’m not letting my mother go until this bill passes the Senate,” said Minister Pyne, gesticulating widely. “Don’t push me on this, I had to split the higher education bill into half today to give it any chance of passing. My baby is in pieces, I’m a man on the edge!”

Tonight’s situation comes after a plot to take 17,000 scientists hostage failed yesterday when police negotiator Senator Kim Carr convinced Minister Pyne to let the scientists go without taking their jobs. “We used careful, well-established negotiation techniques to convince Minister Pyne to let them go,” said Senator Carr. “We told him ‘no’. That’s about it.”

Christopher Pyne’s mother is said to be in good spirits tonight, telling the media: “I’m not worried, my son won’t do anything to me. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, unless that fly was working on an arts/law degree.”