BREAKING: Secret Spy Agency Has Been Secretly Spying on People
Picture of an empty field.
Picture of an empty field.

Pictured: An empty field.

People world over were shocked and appalled this week upon the release of reports indicating that one of the world’s largest covert spy agencies has been spying on people. One incensed protester at the White House gates summed up the public sentiment in response to the allegations, shouting “If preventing terrorism means undertaking steps to prevent terrorism, then the terrorists have already won!”

Addressing the widespread condemnation, President Obama reassured journalists that no American had been targeted by the wide sweeping program, putting to rest the minds of many concerned Europeans. The President said he was happy to see a discussion on the issue of cyber-spying, and that he will be keeping close tabs on the discussion, mostly through reading other people’s emails.

Asked whether the program had any notable successes to justify its existence, intelligence officer John Barkley, who asked not to be named, responded, “Well we can’t tell you about how unsuccessful it has been for security reasons, but we did almost bust one international cartel that was using a botnet to compromise the security of billions of computers across the world and collect their personal data, before we realized that was actually just us.”

Chinese President Xi Jinping is believed to have raised concerns over the US’s covert spying operations and cyber intrusions during a meeting with Barack Obama on Thursday, though the exact nature of the conversation has been kept under wraps by the White House, citing security concerns.

News Corporation has launched a searing attack on the US government in response to the revelations, with CEO Rupert Murdoch taking to twitter to vent his frustration to an audience of 13 year old girls, tweeting “Outrageous, US government shudnt be illegally monitoring ppls private communications. Thts 4 news corp 2 do. #yolo”.

In response to claims that they had willingly handed over user details to the NSA via a covert backdoor into their systems, Google issued a strongly worded press release denying any and all allegations. Tech giants Apple and Facebook also released exactly the same statement later that day, but pulled them shortly after they realized they forgot to remove the NSA letterhead.

Outraged Facebook users have already begun flocking from the compromised platform in protest, leading to a surge of new users signing up to the Google Plus network.