Bill Shorten Upset That No One Cares About His Metadata
Why don't they love me...

While his opposition in the Liberal Party are going to great lengths to ensure no one sees their private data, going so far as to use encrypted messaging services like Wickr to communicate, Bill Shorten has spoken today of his disappointment in how everyone keeps respecting his privacy.

Speaking at an event honouring his work with the Labour party, Shorten addressed the two people in attendance with an impassioned speech about how he hoped the new metadata retention laws would mean someone would finally be interested in him.

“I supported the proposed data retention laws so that Australia would be safe. But more importantly, so that someone would finally show read my messages. However, it pains me to say that neither of those things are happening”.

“I don’t know why people aren’t more eager on seeing information about the SMS messages and emails I send to my colleagues. Often, they contain very funny jokes and anecdotes, with a number of humorous turns of phrase and very solid punchlines”.

“Why, just yesterday I sent 200 messages to George Brandis containing a great and lengthy joke about three men who walk into a bar. He just replied with his usual ‘Piss off, Shorty’”.

In addition to his colleagues, Shorten also took the media to task about their lack of interest in his data.

“I am disappointed in how the media keeps trying to find out about what Scott Morrison and Malcolm Turnbull are saying to each other on Wickr, and yet completely ignores how I post every text message I receive to my Facebook page, or all of the poetry I post on my Tumblr”.

“I have always used easily hackable mediums of communication, yet I still get no credit for it”.