Bill O’Reilly Criticises Journalists For Not Making Stuff Up
Bill O'Reilly, in front of the green screen where the Iraq War will eventually go

Fox News pundit and self-professed “shout enthusiast” Bill O’Reilly has launched a scathing attack on journalists around the world, declaring his “disgust” for how they always seem to be doing “actual journalism”.

O’Reilly, affectionately known as “Papa Bear” due to having the journalistic integrity of a mildly racist Panda, has recently come under heavy criticism for his account of his involvement in the Falklands War.

However, O’Reilly is not letting anything as meaningless as “facts” get in the way of his reporting, and he is now taking journalists around the world to task for doing the same.

“I find it disgusting”, he said, in an interview with Kyle and Jackie O this morning, “how journalism in this day and age has devolved to ‘reporting on the actual events that happened’. It sickens me to think that there are actually journalists out there who aren’t exaggerating their claims to fabricate a story and make themselves look like heroes”.

“I pride myself in the narrative I am able to tell with my reporting. I have no time for boring things, like the truth. Which everyone knows is liberally biased, and probably voted for Obama”.

“The people want to hear that the guy they get their news from risked his life to bring them the story. They don’t want to hear about how good the tapas were in downtown Buenos Aires. Though now that I mention it, there was a lot of traffic that day. I could have easily been killed walking to the restaurant. I risked my life to eat those”

O’Reilly hopes that his previous work, as the pioneer behind the “I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA” school of journalism, can help young journalists today move away from the traditional model of “reporting the truth”, into the more effective model of “reporting almost the truth, but reporting it really loudly”.