Abbott Announces Plan to Bring Back Colonialism
In a bid to increase his ailing popularity, and possibly his hipster status, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has vowed to bring back an old British tradition this Australia day – colonisation.
Mr Abbott made the surprise announcement during an unscheduled trip to the UK this Australia Day weekend, citing a wish for all Australians to better get in touch with their British cultural roots. “We all know that Australians love to celebrate our current way of life on Australia day, but I think it’s also important to look back and remember how great colonisation was for everyone, and I want to bring that back.”
The PM’s PR MP, The Hon. Xeno Phobia says the Prime Minister has the complete backing of the coalition. “Australia simply isn’t big enough to sustain our population anymore. At the moment, the average Australian only owns about 2.9 km² of land. We hope to increase this figure to at least 3.5km² over the coming three years.”