Prime Minister Tony Abbott has today refused to empty any dishwashers, take out any garbage or pass any laws that would let his sister get married, explaining that he is far too busy focusing on the budget and prying that last bit of onion skin out from between his front teeth.
When questioned as to why it wasn’t possible for his government of 90 grown adults to focus on more than one thing at once, Mr Abbott collapsed due to being unable to breathe and listen at the same time. Once revived however, the Prime Minister explained, “seriously did you see what happened last time we tried to do a budget? We need every last braincell we’ve got just to find our seats in parliament, just the thought of doing anything else like passing laws at the same time is making my head hurt.”
“Besides we simply don’t have time to consider letting perverts, I mean … homosexuals, marry,” continued Tony. “We’re a parliament, not some kind of big law changing thingy. And right now gay marriage is simply not something that the average Australian is worried about. I mean what is it, only one in twenty people that are gay? I sure don’t know twenty people do you?”
However despite his wishes to discuss only economic matters, Tony was frustrated to find he was unable to avoid the topic of gay marriage during his appearance at last night’s dinner celebrating his sister and her partner’s 5th anniversary.
“Look, can’t you see how busy I am?” slurred Tony, taking another sip of beer in his speedos while delivering the maiden speech of the night. “If you all really want gay marriage you’re just going to have to wait until a time when the economy isn’t doing anything and there are no other laws that need to be passed in parliament. Until then I’m afraid we’re just far too busy to spend the precious minutes it would take to change three words in the marriage act.”
“It’s just like how we were too busy to change the marriage act to ban overseas same-sex marriages after the budget in July of 2004,” Tony explained, “and that other time when we were too busy to take the A.C.T. to the high court to stop their same-sex unions.”
“Besides,” said Tony, “if I break my focus on the budget for even a second I might start picturing men naked again, and nobody wants that. Now if you’ll all excuse me I have to go take a cold shower.”