Abbott Stands Firm in Face of Crisis

In light of the latest climate revelations regarding Antarctica, the Prime Minister has reaffirmed his intention to not open negotiations with the frozen landmass.

In a special press conference that he gave yesterday in Canberra, Prime Minister Tony Abbott made clear that the Earth taking itself hostage was an unconscionable course of action which he will not legitimate by opening talks. “As a matter of principle, we do not negotiate with terrorists, whoever or whatever they may be. On this matter I assure you the Australian Government is resolute. That is a promise we can keep.”

No official demands have been made yet.

The situation was made apparent last week by the work of two separate teams of scientists, who have determined that the grounding-lines of Antarctica’s glaciers are in fast retreat, exposing more ice to water, which in turn will make the glacier melt even faster. The two scientific teams have concluded this process is likely unstoppable, and that the irretrievable loss of the ice sheet could begin in as little as two hundred years. This would raise the sea level by three to five metres.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a member of staff at the Treasury disclosed a statement made by Joe Hockey, that despite the dismal forecast Antarctica would have to “tighten its belt like the rest of us” and “start pulling its own weight” in global climate.

Christopher Pyne was not contacted for comment, but offered his opinion anyway. “I suspect it’s the ghost of Lenin. Why else would the Soviets have put a bust of his head at the South Pole?”

The Prime Minister concluded his conference with a note of caution. “We do not yet know whether man-made climate change, as a global phenomenon, is in effect. That can only be determined by a special committee chaired by the Minister for Science. This position in Cabinet was removed in order to minimise expenditures, however, as there is no need for a Minister for Science except in matters of global climate phenomena, which at this point cannot be proved.”

A police detail has been posted at Taronga Zoo to monitor the Fiordland Crested Penguins, which actually come from New Zealand. The penguins could not be reached for comment.