Abbott “Honored” To Be Given Second Chance To Lead Party To Crushing Defeat

Incumbent Prime Minister Tony Abbott has thanked friends and supporters following today’s failed leadership spill, saying he is honoured and deeply humbled to be given a second chance to lead the Liberal Party to a crushing defeat at the next election.

“I’d just like to thank everyone who made this possible,” said a teary eyed Tony. “Joe Hockey for those comments about poor people that put him out of the running, Julie Bishop for attacking the Labor Party so ruthlessly that she couldn’t possibly challenge a sitting PM and still show her face in public, but of course, most of all I’d like to thank Malcolm, because without him, I might have had to go up against a challenger that people in the Liberal party actually like, and then I wouldn’t have stood a chance.”

Despite his unpopularity within the party, it had been hoped by a number of Liberal backbenchers that Turnbull could have reversed the Coalition’s ailing approval ratings, which have plummeted in the latest newspolls to their lowest point since 2009, when the party was struggling under the fumbling and unpopular leadership of Malcolm Turnbull.

Abbott was gracious in victory, saying there would be no hard feelings between himself and the power hungry twat who tried to unseat him. Likewise Malcolm bowed his head to the victor, stating “I can’t deny I’m disappointed, but in the end the party has decided it’s Tony they want leading them to a wipeout at the next election and I will respect and support that decision unwaiveringly. Or at the very least I will pretend to until the next leadership spill rolls around again.”