In a bid to increase his ailing popularity, and possibly his hipster status, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has vowed to bring back an old British tradition this Australia day – colonisation.
Mr Abbott made the surprise announcement during an unscheduled trip to the UK this Australia Day weekend, citing a wish for all Australians to better get in touch with their British cultural roots. “We all know that Australians love to celebrate our current way of life on Australia day, but I think it’s also important to look back and remember how great colonisation was for everyone, and I want to bring that back.”
The PM’s PR MP, The Hon. Xeno Phobia says the Prime Minister has the complete backing of the coalition. “Australia simply isn’t big enough to sustain our population anymore. At the moment, the average Australian only owns about 2.9 km² of land. We hope to increase this figure to at least 3.5km² over the coming three years.”
Asked where the new Australian colonies would be, Mr Phobia quipped: “We have a 7 point plan to take over a few Indigenous islands in the North. If worst comes to worst though, we’ll simply take over New Zealand.”
The decision hasn’t been all fun and games for the Abbott Government though. Asked how he first felt about the idea, the PM remarked: “Well, we weren’t entirely convinced when Scotty [Morrison] brought it up in cabinet, god knows we can’t risk announcing another policy that we have to backpedal on later … but then we remembered that we’re all white, so we’re pretty confident that we can pull this one off.”
The decision has been well received across the nation. Asked whether they were “for” or “undecided” on a new colony, 70% of people said they were for, 27.5% said they were undecided and the remaining 2.5% were Indigenous.
As an expert on Indigenous issues, Karl Stefanovic had this to say: “I think it’s pretty great, after all Indigenous peoples don’t actually care about their land. What they really care about is an apology. I just want to make sure that the government commits to apologizing in the next 150 years.”
A further $200m has been put towards new fighter jets to help with the cause, which are being sent out this week. Air strikes are scheduled to take place by Friday, and the official doctrine of ‘Ter ra Nullius’ is set to be in full effect by January 26th.